Author: Krissa Dorfner
Balancing the roles of wife, mother, student, employee, friend, family member and church member has been the most challenging thing I have ever done. The last three years have been far from easy, and yet, have also been the most rewarding in many ways; rewarding because God was ever present in my life. God taught me to trust when I was tempted to feel guilty. To rely on Him for financial help when we didn’t know how we were going to pay our bills. To pray to Him when I felt incompetent with someone’s life in my hands. To find peace in Him when I could not fix my patients. To hope...to hope in Him because of His promises.
Balancing the roles of wife, mother, student, employee, friend, family member and church member has been the most challenging thing I have ever done. The last three years have been far from easy, and yet, have also been the most rewarding in many ways; rewarding because God was ever present in my life. God taught me to trust when I was tempted to feel guilty. To rely on Him for financial help when we didn’t know how we were going to pay our bills. To pray to Him when I felt incompetent with someone’s life in my hands. To find peace in Him when I could not fix my patients. To hope...to hope in Him because of His promises.
I have struggled with a lot of doubt these last three years.
As I waited to hear back from nursing school admissions I doubted I would get in. Then once I was accepted and in school, I doubted I could pass important exams, doubted I was smart enough to graduate,
and doubted if I could even be a
nurse. Every time, I was tempted with doubt, God softly reminded me - He is for me. He is the true source of
hope. If he is for me, then who could be
against me?
If God is for us, who could be against us?-Romans 8:31
I questioned if I was being selfish by pursuing my dream
instead of staying at home with my young son. I felt guilty that my home, my
friends, and even my own family had to come second at times when school became
a priority. I fought during the first year of nursing school, trying to
convince myself that my family comes first. It did, but I had to admit it was
going to look different at this point in my life. I felt a sense of peace when
my husband and I finally accepted that nursing school was high on our list of
priorities. This did not mean that I left my family in the dust, it simply
brought my husband and I to a mutual understanding that my temporary role of
nursing student was demanding time that meant restructuring other roles in my
life.
I don’t believe God wanted me to feel guilty. I actually
believe guilt was being used as a powerful tool to try and prevent me from
pursuing God’s good plans for me. While wrestling with doubt and guilt, I discovered
a beautiful facet of hope… Security.
In Christ-centered hope, I found security and confidence
that the Lord my God had brought me to this place in my life for a purpose and
a reason. Before nursing school I prayed hard that He would shut this door if
it was not part of His plan. When the door opened, I knew God was inviting me
in. Again, I found hope as I trusted in His promises.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares
the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and
a future."-Jeremiah
29:11
To me, hope is the anticipation that our needs and or desires will
be met. Over the course of my three years in school, my hope grew and grew.
There were months when we only brought in $1500 to pay for all our bills. My
husband and I together would pray and hope that the Lord our God would provide.
He did, in amazing ways.
My first year of nursing school, I found a $100 Visa gift
card in my mailbox. At first I thought it was an accident, as if someone lost a
gift card (again, my doubt kicking in). Then I realized that someone put it
there with purpose. My second year of nursing school, during Christmas season, My
husband and I decided we couldn't do Christmas gifts since we had little money.
Christmas is my favorite holiday, so this was not an easy to accept. Then we
received a letter in the mail from my aunt. It was a card that overflowed with
words of kindness and encouragement. This lovely card contained a check…a check
for $500. She insisted that we use it for Christmas to buy each other something
nice, and to buy our son a present. Most recently, I had to pass a big nursing
exam in order to graduate. I read the email reporting the results that stated
“You passed,” and still I doubted. I couldn't
help but think that there must have been a mistake, they accidentally gave me
someone else’s score!
In the midst of hope, doubt creeps in uninvited. However, I
made it. I have graduated. I am going to be a nurse.
God has revealed Himself and His provision to us over and
over again as I have ventured through nursing school. He has shown me my hope does not lie within a
clean home, straight A’s, a college degree, an obedient child, a perfect
husband or money, but that my hope lies solely in Him.
Doubt can poison our minds. Don't let it ruin your faith in
Jesus, instead be joyful in hope because we have a faithful God. Open your
heart to Him, take that leap of faith, discover where real security lies, and
let Him strengthen you with hope.
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